I want to talk about when my instincts tell me, “no”; and I ignore them.
Early in my career, I made a mistake and took an easier way out –
I was anxious and I was more interested in resolving the problematic anxiety and shame of having made a mistake than understanding myself and my own character flaws or blind spots - the ones that were likely to continue to trouble me in stressful situations.
Sometimes someone doesn’t want to pay you enough. Or give you enough control or provide enough support and so on. My colleague Dana Warren advised me once - Renegotiate or live with it, and move on. That’s incredible advice. It gave me a sense of freedom.
If I find myself debating if it’s worth the trouble (or stress) of renegotiating something I don’t feel just right about, why don’t I say no, to see if I can notice how I feel and act. This isn’t going to work so well at Bath and Body Works where I am a temp. employee perhaps, but maybe the stakes are so low there that it is a perfect place to experiment with a big fat no. If the project is dependent on your creativity or work, then a no to the uncomfortable work situation, and a renegotiation becomes an important skill.
Saying no when your boundaries are punctured helps you feel strong. It strengthens instincts and puts you in tune with yourself. It builds integrity. You learn that enacting consequences takes courage.
Integrity helps you pursue the true thing you want to do. Cause how you spend your time, including a job, is a part of who you are.
2017 was the first time in my life I was offered the choice of a pronoun – I chose they
I don’t know precisely why – I just felt safer and less anxious with that choice – it’s not political and not gender related – it’s voices in my head related.
What an amazing gift
They
Change is happening….
I have been doing a lot of reading around the #me too phenomena. It’s undeniable and universal and powerful and specific and vocal…
In amongst the discussion has come the article published by “Babe” about Grace’s (not her real name) date with Aziz Ansari…
After arriving at his apartment in Manhattan on Monday evening, Grace exchanged small talk and drank wine with Azziz. “It was white,” she said. “I didn’t get to choose and I prefer red, but it was white wine.” Then Ansari walked her to Grand Banks, an Oyster bar on the Hudson River just a few blocks away, rushed her through supper so they could return to her house; he ignored her signals that she wasn’t into sex and proceeded to go down on her and then got her to give him a blowjob and so on. She said she wasn’t interested, he continued to pressure her for more sex, and then she went to the bathroom, got her nerve up, and had a cab called.
There has been much talk about this article and Samatha Bee really did a great job analyzing the story.
There was a lot of discussion of the white wine/red wine detail. VICE said the detail about how she didn’t get to choose what type of wine they drank seemed unnecessary and dramatic.
Others thought it was silly of her to make a deal of it.
But for me it was the moment when she wanted to say no to the situation, and leave. But like Vice and the others who said it was silly and dramatic –Grace probably made that judgement, too. Her impulse to leave was silly and dramatic, so she should stay. And she did stay…too long.
Once you ignore your intuition, it gets anxious and it’s hard to calm it down again, so that you can leave.
The whole thing reminded me of a great contract I had to make a play about my disability…(TO BE CONTINUED)